my silence and my situation; ramblings of a mad man

[Colonel Voss]

Seems strange after my flurry of painting of Khador to go silent. Prim knows some of what has been going on, needless to say it's all been pretty bad. I thought last year was the year from hell, now I know that it was only a small pit stop on the way there.

A while ago I said I was getting medical treatment. The main part of that (stomach ulcer, bacterial infection, what not) has been cleared up and things were looking better though I am still being medicated for anxiety, depression and insomnia. Then mid october the bottom dropped out. Two days in a row, I was betrayed by two people I trusted, an old friend and a girl I was trying to build a relationship with. Both of them I trusted completely and the betrayals came as a horrible shock. A week or so later, I was also defrauded out of 180,000 yen. And more.

So I'm not in a happy place now. The meds help but there is a lot to sort out and losing that much money has left me to make some very hard decisions; things that could have been postponed but now need to be done. Sadly I am doing almost all of it alone which is making things worse, the isolation is depressing.

So I have come to you, the gaming geeks of Japan to help me with one of my issues, the hobby.

Living in Seki means that it is hard for me to get down to Nagoya to game with people. Now that I am broke, it has become all but impossible to do. So unless someone is feeling generous enough to come up here, my gaming time is zilch.

But that is not the crux of my problem. As a hobby there is always more to do besides just gaming. Assembly, painting, terrain building, army building and what not. With my interest in four different games (fantasy, 40K, warmachine, FoW), I have lots of different armies to paint and build, in fact, I have too many of such varying sizes to work with.

40k

Minotaurs/30k Word Bearer merger maybe 3,000+ pnts
Imperial Guard 5,000+
Demons of Chaos approx 2,000
Grey Knights approx 2,000
Orks starter box units

Fantasy

High Elves unknown pnts
Warriors of Chaos 2,500
Dark Elves 1500+
Wood Elves battalion plus mage
Empire battalion plus 2 mages and some other stuff
Lizardmen old battalion
Skaven approx 2,000
Brettonians approx 1,500
Dwarfs battalion plus black fire pass
goblins black fire pass

Warmachine
Khador 35 pnts
Retribution of Scryah (xmas present coming soon) 25 pnts

FoW
Fallschirmjager approx 2,000 pnts

That's a lot and it's a huge mess. Part of the reason for this debacle is how I was paid as an outrider. For a long time all that was available for many armies was the plastic parts. So I purchased and spread out and GW gave me some extra stuff as well. Some of it was good ideas gone bad. I enjoyed the idea of having an Empire army oppose my WoC but once I got the models, I just couldn't stand them. Part of the fantasy was that the girl I was trying to see was interested in painting an army so I kept them around in case she chose one of those.

So what to do with all this mess? Some of it has to go. I need to cut down the numbers in fantasy and one from 40k. My armies are divided into easy to paint bulk and more higher quality (I do want to improve my painting skills) and between the two, deciding what to do is just hard. That my skills aren't high enough for some of the armies I have is also frustrating (fallschirmjager for example) Also with money problems, my desire to expand further into FoW and warmachine as well as bulk out any army that I do keep has ground to a complete halt. I've thought about trading away armies for units in what ever army I decide to keep, making a bulk trade with a huge discount, but which ones do I keep, which ones do I sell, what type of discount and would anyone go for it?

So I'm looking for some advice and ideas. Right now the hobby feels more of a hindrance and burden then a hobby and I would desperately like to turn that around.

[Primarch]

Hmmm,
First off, get rid of all the odds and ends which dont amount to valid armies. I mean orks, wood elves, empire, zards, dwarves and gobbos. In the future you may want to do those armies, but right now you dont have the time or resources and they just represent another problem for you. Get rid of them.
Keep 1 army for each system so at least you have some variety, but take a look at what you have got and see how much work it will take to get done and if it is a viable army as it stands or if it needs some bits and pieces.
Try to trade for stuff you need to finsh an army off if you can.
On the painting side of things, try to vary what you do. Paint a unit for 40k one day and spend all day on a warmachine caster the next. Dont feel like you have to paint, but try to see it as a relaxing experience. When I paint, I feel like I am in a little world of my own which contains only myself, my brush and my models. （Much to my wifes annoyance.）
Pick out the army which is nearest completion and work primarily on that. Finishing a project is very rewarding and will help boost your confidence to do a bigger one. Put the armies that need the most work off to one side where you can forget about them for a while.
If all else fails, forget about the hobby for a while. Go for a walk／drive, play some video games, read a book. The models will wait for you.
P.

[Tenorikuma]

I'd be interested in some of the Fantasy and 40K (Guard) items come spring, but for now I have my hands full with my Wood Elf army. Also, my finances just took a hit because I have to pay back one of the agencies I work for 230,000 yen in taxes they mistakenly didn't deduct over the past two years. (Right before Christmas, how wonderful.)

[Colonel Voss]

If all else fails, forget about the hobby for a while. Go for a walk／drive, play some video games, read a book. The models will wait for you.
P.

Hopefully some others will chime in, but I do feel I need to touch on this. Over the past month, most of my free time has either been laying in bed trying to sleep or playing computer games. Sleeping is the preferred choice for if I sleep, I don't have to think about all the problems and the bleak outlook. Video games just kill time, not fun. I use to walk 6 km a night but stopped that after a few near misses by some loons who couldn't see a flashlight and white shirt and nearly hit me. I drive so much I utterly hate doing it anymore. And I do try to read books but like the hobby I stopped.Hell, I only eat because I have to. I've more or less stopped everything until the last week.

In December, I've got a week and a half off more or less. No matter how much I wish I could hibernate through it, I know it isn't going to happen. I've got to do something with my time. I'm trying to rebuild. My mother is sending me a few books which will hopefully grab my interest. But I need more than that and this hobby is the best bet I have.

[Primarch]

In December, I've got a week and a half off more or less. No matter how much I wish I could hibernate through it, I know it isn't going to happen. I've got to do something with my time. I'm trying to rebuild. My mother is sending me a few books which will hopefully grab my interest. But I need more than that and this hobby is the best bet I have.

I will check my schedule and try and make it up to Seki for a day at some point over the winter break.

[me_in_japan]

Hmmn. I can't pretend to have all the answers, or even some of the answers. I can only offer my opinion and hope it helps. I do feel for your situation though. It's very hard to pull yourself out of a fugue like youre in just now, and even more difficult when life isnt giving you any breaks (which it certainly sounds like it isnt right now.)

I'll start with the more practical questions, i.e. hobby stuff.

I absolutely agree with Prim when he says to get rid of most of your stuff. A pile of unpainted minis creates a feeling of guilt at having spent the money, guilt at not painting them, and embarrasment that you cant finish what youve started. Just remember that it's your stuff and whether you paint it or not is entirely your call. There is no "need" to do anything. Personally, I do find it helps give you focus when you only have one army for a given game. If you do sell off the non-essentials, then worst case scenario you at least get some guilt-free cash to spend on whatever you want. (I think any cash you raise from mini sales should be used exclusively for fun stuff that you dont need but want anyway. No spending it on food or other necessities. Keep it in a separate location.)

Perhaps a mental re-assessment of your excess minis might be helpful. Theyre not future armies. Theyre non-liquid capital. Liquidise those mofos, dude Don't try to get back what you paid for them/what they cost online. Aim for getting enough money out of them that you can buy/start something you enjoy. What that is will depend on how much you ultimately get for them. If it helps, I could well be interested in some fancy character type minis. Sternguard, special characters, fancy GK chaps. Depends what youve got. Even fantasy stuff might be doable, if its a nice enough mini. It comes down to aesthetics, really.

I also think that Prim's right when he talks about painting for fun. Personally, my biggest problem with painting is that I can slip from "fun" painting into "must get this finished" painting very, very easily. I havent painted for weeks now because I feel I need to finish that monochrome guy I started ages ago, and I'm bloody knackered from work all the time. At the moment this isnt a problem you have, but don't let that "Ah, good. I want to paint" feeling turn into "Oh no. I have to paint" feeling. If you start to feel you have to finish something, put it down and either paint something else (whatever tickles your fancy) or do something completely different (read a book, play a game, whatever.)

Being isolated certainly isnt ideal, but remember that you can always change your job and move somewhere else. You have the internet, and (by the sounds of it) not much holding you where you are. You are not honour bound to work for your current employer for the ever-after. He pays you, you work. That's the end of the relationship. There are jobs in Nagoya. Perhaps not as well paid as what you currently have (I have no idea what youre paid, of course) but being nearer friends/fellow gamers could well be worth a dunk in salary.

My advice would be to catalogue all the minis you're willing to part with. I suspect this will take some time. List em, and post that list here. Folks will buy stuff, but most likely you'll still have a lot. Take pictures of it and ebay it. I've never sold on ebay, myself, but I know some of us here have (Ashmie for certain, maybe others.) People I know who have done dont seem to have had problems with it. They list auctions, people buy their stuff, ebay takes a cut of the money. Pretty much as you'd imagine it, really.

I hope things start to improve for you over the coming weeks. Keep posting here, and we'll keep posting back. You aint alone out there in the world - don't forget that

ps - a random tagalong thought: This could be a good opportunity to improve on your painting. If you want to (and only if you want to) you could start a work in progress thread on cool mini or not. I suggest this as you seem to have an excess of time, and because there have been a lot of guys starting threads there recently who are of similar painting ability to you. The folks on CMON have been really very supportive and give great advice. You'll need to post pics, tho, as the first comment people make after "hi, nice to meet you" is "where da pics?"

just a thought

[job]

Well, I am certainly sorry about the two relationships that went sour. I guess that is always tough, but things like that happen from time to time (especially when there are culture and language barriers), so I guess you just have to quickly make that all water under the bridge and move on.

Take care to balance your health with all the things in your life. That probably should be priority number one. A walk up Sakura-yama in your town is a perfect way to restore your love of life, I think. I also hope painting mixed with some listening gives you some time to relax and meditate.

As for you collection, I think you should look to consolidating your collection with relish. I think one of the more depressing things to see is when our hobby leads us to those times when our collection is too extensive and we need to make it more manageable. (That level of course is very different for each person.) I'd be willing to talk about trades or purchases for FOW, WHFB, and 40k stuff.

And as for games, I've already PM'd you about setting up a FOW date, so reply if you are interested.

Take care, and remember to always 'abide'.

[Admiral-Badruck]

I guess I will offer a few words of advice... number one the world is not against you... it is against all of us. Life can be pain but that only helps you enjoy the bliss. This year has been on of the worst and best years of my life. Hobby has taken a back seat to a lot of real life pain and joy.

My advice about women is that only the one you marry is worth getting upset over. if you are not married yet then you have nothing to worry about. (sounds lame but it is true)there are plenty of fish in the sea. No matter how much you liked her there is always someone better so do not let bad memories keep you down. I was totally dissed by some girl just a few months before I met my wife. the thing is I totally thought she was the one I guess I was wrong.

I can tell you with all soberness that when God closed a door he always opens a window again it sounds lame but it is true. It may be hard to do but you need to count your blessings man. When ever I get down I go and find someone who really needs help and give them a leg up the more you give the more you will find comes back to you. Example I do volunteer work for less fortunate children it is hard and sometimes very thankless but it helps me to see how my life is not as bad as it could be. I know you are a man of faith so I think you should find solace in your faith pray more and give that the attention it deserves.

if work is giving you stress change jobs I know it seems like a hard thing to do but I know if I can find a job teaching English then anyone can.

If hobby is getting you down stop doing it, if hobby cheers you up then do not find reasons not to do it. Just do it. I have all but stopped painting but I am sure I will get back in to it sometime soon. also I know it cost money but you really should take a train trip down to Nagoya sometime and play. The train ride is relaxing and it is an hour or so that you do not have to think about anything just check out the view and enjoy the sound of the train. write up a list.and have a good time...

And when you play PLAY do not worry about wining and losing so much I know when I have played you in the past if things are not going your way you normally get really annoyed but you really should just enjoy the fact that you opponent is having fun.

not matter what do not let things get you down I could tell you all the things that have happened in my life this year to get me down but man that would make me feel down.

Don't make excuses to not do things you want to do if there is and obstacle overcome it.

As for your health mentally overcome it do not allow it to get you down. Victor Frankel (Man's Search for Meaning) was in a Concentration-camp in WWII and he used his mind to over come the adversity of the camp which included overcoming, illness, torture, and all manner of mental anguish.

Last of all know that the more you care about people and they way they feel the less you tend to care about the way you feel.

Sorry if it sounds preachy but I am really only trying to help you man.

if you decide to host an event at your place on a Saturday or a day over the holidays I will be there. I do have a lot of other games going on but I am sure we can find a time. your place is one of the best places to game it is just a bit of a trip to get out there. I know the Mie crew may not be able to make it.. but if you offered some prize support from your sprawling collection then I am sure folks would make the effort.

[Colonel Voss]

Boy, where to begin. Some very well thought out responses, hard to put a coherent response.

My advice about women is that only the one you marry is worth getting upset over. if you are not married yet then you have nothing to worry about. (sounds lame but it is true)there are plenty of fish in the sea. No matter how much you liked her there is always someone better so do not let bad memories keep you down. I was totally dissed by some girl just a few months before I met my wife. the thing is I totally thought she was the one I guess I was wrong.

I'll have to disagree with you here. There are things that can be done to a partner that can leave deep damage be they financial, emotional, physical, or mental. It's not so much that I am upset, but what happened and what has happened before have taken a very strong toll on me. This last girl was the straw that broke the camels back I am afraid.

I can tell you with all soberness that when God closed a door he always opens a window again it sounds lame but it is true. It may be hard to do but you need to count your blessings man. When ever I get down I go and find someone who really needs help and give them a leg up the more you give the more you will find comes back to you. Example I do volunteer work for less fortunate children it is hard and sometimes very thankless but it helps me to see how my life is not as bad as it could be.

Normally I would whole heartedly agree with you and even advocate what you say. With children I still do. But one of my problems is that I've given so much it has burned me out and what little I have gotten back pales in comparison to what I've needed. It's extremely complicated and I'd prefer to talk about it face to face with people not through mail or on a bulletin board.

If hobby is getting you down stop doing it, if hobby cheers you up then do not find reasons not to do it.

The problem is that I don't feel much of anything anymore.

The train ride is relaxing and it is an hour or so that you do not have to think about anything just check out the view and enjoy the sound of the train. write up a list.and have a good time...

If only I could stop thinking it'd make things oh so much easier. Time to think is a very bad thing right now.

And when you play PLAY do not worry about wining and losing so much I know when I have played you in the past if things are not going your way you normally get really annoyed but you really should just enjoy the fact that you opponent is having fun.

Good point and you are right. I tried working on it this year at Nagoyahammer and hopefully I was better than two years ago. Part of it is also the armies I have selected that puts me in a bad mood (I'll touch on this later). Count this as a work in progress.

Don't make excuses to not do things you want to do if there is and obstacle overcome it.

If only. No matter how many obstacles I overcome or how much energy I put into it, the things I truly want or need, I don't get. Again burn out after years and years of trying 110%.

Last of all know that the more you care about people and they way they feel the less you tend to care about the way you feel.

More than likely right.

Sorry if it sounds preachy but I am really only trying to help you man.

You're not sounding preachy Baddy, like I said earlier, usually I would agree with you on nearly all of it. Just this time, it hits too close to the mark of my problems

[Colonel Voss]

Perhaps a mental re-assessment of your excess minis might be helpful. Theyre not future armies. Theyre non-liquid capital. Liquidise those mofos, dude

Interesting way to look at it. Just need to decide what to liquidate.

I absolutely agree with Prim when he says to get rid of most of your stuff. A pile of unpainted minis creates a feeling of guilt at having spent the money, guilt at not painting them, and embarrasment that you cant finish what youve started. Just remember that it's your stuff and whether you paint it or not is entirely your call. There is no "need" to do anything. Personally, I do find it helps give you focus when you only have one army for a given game. If you do sell off the non-essentials, then worst case scenario you at least get some guilt-free cash to spend on whatever you want. (I think any cash you raise from mini sales should be used exclusively for fun stuff that you dont need but want anyway. No spending it on food or other necessities. Keep it in a separate location.)

Hadn't really thought of some of this. I think one of my biggest mistakes was losing my sense of purpose in gaming and thus the pile began to form. And the storing the money is an interesting idea.

Being isolated certainly isnt ideal, but remember that you can always change your job and move somewhere else. You have the internet, and (by the sounds of it) not much holding you where you are. You are not honour bound to work for your current employer for the ever-after. He pays you, you work. That's the end of the relationship. There are jobs in Nagoya. Perhaps not as well paid as what you currently have (I have no idea what youre paid, of course) but being nearer friends/fellow gamers could well be worth a dunk in salary.

Good points. Right now the main reason I'm not considering moving is the level of anxiety it would cause, hunting and adapting to what ever job I got. Some stability is good and my kindies and JHS provide that.

My advice would be to catalogue all the minis you're willing to part with. I suspect this will take some time. List em, and post that list here. Folks will buy stuff, but most likely you'll still have a lot. Take pictures of it and ebay it. I've never sold on ebay, myself, but I know some of us here have (Ashmie for certain, maybe others.) People I know who have done dont seem to have had problems with it. They list auctions, people buy their stuff, ebay takes a cut of the money. Pretty much as you'd imagine it, really.

Good idea. the hard part will be building the list in some cases (I'll touch on later).

ps - a random tagalong thought: This could be a good opportunity to improve on your painting. If you want to (and only if you want to) you could start a work in progress thread on cool mini or not. I suggest this as you seem to have an excess of time, and because there have been a lot of guys starting threads there recently who are of similar painting ability to you. The folks on CMON have been really very supportive and give great advice. You'll need to post pics, tho, as the first comment people make after "hi, nice to meet you" is "where da pics?"

Interesting idea. Have to see what armies I end up with in the end before I can truly commit to improving anything.