Family life and gaming

[Seb]

Hello guys,

I have been a member on the forum for about 3 weeks something now I guess?
And I have understood that many of you guys with a lot of experience playing warhammer are married people with families, so I would like to ask you how you handle the hobby while having a family and how does your family feel about it?

Since Warhammer is a hobby that costs money and you need a lot of time and space for it, you need the same amount in understanding from your loved and close ones.
I am just getting back in to the hobby and the 3 years that I have been married I have been a very inactive gamer.. I used to play alot of PC games and do some wargaming when I was younger, but getting back now when you are having a family to think about it is very different.

My wife has never been interested in games like this and she has not much understanding of it. So to just one day say that I am going to use this much money and time for something that is so foreign for your close one is going to create some confusion and resistance.

I am very interested in hearing your stories and experience from this,
What were the first reactions when your loved ones got to know of yor hobby? Do you ever argue about it? How did they get to understand your hobby and support you? Anything is ok, and it doesn't have to be gaming it could be any hobby or custom that you have.
feel free to post here or PM me or anything, I'd be very grateful.

[The Other Dave]

I'm pretty fortunate in that we do things the Japanese way at my house - my wife takes care of finances and gives me spending money every month, which means no questions asked about how I want to use it. If I want to spend my money on miniatures and RPGs instead of beer* she doesn't mind a'tall - as long as I don't take up too much of our limited storage space!

But really, the important thing is that even though my wife isn't a gamer, and looks at the things I do in my free time with some degree of bemusement, she realizes that a hobby is an important way for me to make friends and stay sane, neither of which are necessarily easy for an ex-pat.

*Well, instead of quite as much beer anyway.

[Primarch]

When I met my wife, I already played games pretty regularly, and when we started dating she worked on my gaming day so it was never an issue.
Since her job changed, she often complains of being lonely when I go out to play games with my friends, but I think that she understands that this is my way of relaxing (hers is watching TV dramas) and she doesnt really mind me going out that much. Once I am gone, she can enjoy a nice relaxing day at home herself.
When we were living in a small apartment she often complained about the space my hobby took up. We moved to a bigger place 2 years ago and I got a room just for games. That was one of my requirements when we were looking at new places. All my models stay in my room all the time and she is happy with that. Of course, my room has no heating and no air-conditioning, so sometimes my models creep into the living room when I want to spend lots of time painting. Usually its ok but sometimes....
My wife has half-heartedly tried to play Warhammer, but she didnt see why it was fun. Its not something she wants to be involved in, but she accepts that it is a big part of my life. She is cool with 1 day a week of gaming. Of course, when I disappear to play games for the full weekend, I have to make it up to her by spending a full weekend with her.

[Spevna]

Never had any probs with the wife and the hobby. But then again, I don't spend a lot of money on it and have no interest in spending a lot of money on it either.

If I want something gaming related I usually buy it for myself as a birthday or Xmas present. On a monthy basis I buy little if any gaming stuff. The last 3 months have been an exception as I have been buying OOP Ork stuff.

Time is also something to consider. I only game once a month but for me that is enough as gaming is not my primry hobby. Painting can be done when my daughter has gone to bed so that doesn't cut into family time. if you are gaming once a week and are gone for the whole day you are giving up half your weekend. If you don't have kids it isn't so much of a problem but you once you do, they can't help but make an impact.

[Admiral-Badruck]

I guess I am one of the luckiest gamers on the Forum My wife is not a gamer at all but she give heaps of support to the hobby she even bought an army for the last NagoyaHammer event... She realizes that any hobby can be expensive. (I told her it was either this or I would not mind getting a classic car and fixing it up, so far I have not spent even a portion of what that would cost on the hobby.) Also her brother plays golf and baseball that is a lot more expensive and take more time... She does Karate that costs 7,000 yen a month. A new army might cost 28,000 yen that is just like 4 months of Karate class. A good fishing pole is 20,000yen... so just put things in perspective and wives are cool... as for the kids my kids like to play/paint and I think it is a great way to practice math (math hammer and list building) and reading (rules) as wells a refining fine motor skills.

[me_in_japan]

I think the most accurate word for how my wife deals with my gaming is that she 'tolerates' it. She certainly doesnt enjoy mini stuff herself. To her credit, she did once try to paint a model, and did a bang up job of it, too (one of Grim's bloodbowl dwarves, btw). But generally, she has no interest in it whatsoever, in much the same way that I have no interest whatsoever in the Korean dramas that she has recently become obsessed with. Dang HD recorder and its infinite recording space...

Anyway, I figured I could get an opinion direct from my better half, so I read her your post, and her response was:

"I didnt find it cool. I never did, but I'm happy to see you (i.e. me, Dave) happy with the hobby that you enjoy. It's so much better than something like pachinko or going out to a bar every night etc. It could be worse.

When youre painting and things I do feel I want more attention, but the fact is, youre at home, at least. Its so much better than having you not-at-home. All in all, its cool. The money issue...hmmn...I dont know exactly how much money you spend (*edit: woohoo!*) and also I do spend money on clothes and things, so...I think its all fair. You dont smoke, you dont drink (much) and you dont buy clothes. You only spend money on books and miniatures, so I think youre doing pretty well with your finances."

For background, my wife and I have been married a bit over 3 years, and we dont have kids (she's been studying at uni. She graduates next april tho...) Thus, I am the only earner in the house. (My sense of fairness compels me to point out that she does work part time teaching private students, and this largely covers food bills. Makes a big difference.)

I game about once a month, and paint almost every day. I also spend an inordinate amount of time on this forum.

Interestingly, I wasnt gaming when I met my wife. It was only after a year or so that I got back into it (damn you, spevna!) and I distinctly remember asking her permission to do so. Having been a gamer in the past, I knew exactly how much time and money it took, and I made this pretty clear to her. She clearly wasnt paying attention, because she said it was fine...

In the past, we've had our little "discussions" about wargaming, usually when I either got a wee bit toooooo focused on getting model A, B or C finished in time for some event or other, but mostly when she was feeling a lack of attention. This topic came up in a thread over at CMON the other day, and this post sums it up nicely, I think.

Its this or heavy drinking, or playing call of duty. They are all the same in the wifes eyes. Bah your drunk why you not talking, or JOEL JOEL, can you hear me. "yes love just trying to get this killstreak................

Mini painting is the lesser of 3 evils i suppose!

doesnt matter what you do mate,its the ignore factor that counts, they have a set tolerance for "not being the centre of your universe" the trick is to recognise when you've used your limit, i recently used mine up spending too much time in the dungeon but took my eye off the ball she went into full all picture no sound before going off on a 2 day rant, talk about eggshells lol.

Just bear this in mind, and you'll be fine

ps the rest of the CMON thread is here: http://www.coolminiornot.com/forums/sho ... e+universe

[Moyashimaru]

It's not the wife, it's the KIDS, the preschoolers. If you're having any problems now, just wait until you drop a couple of sprogs. From then on your time and money is all theirs. Of course some of you might have spouses from large and prosperous families, allowing you to keep just that little bit extra for yourself, but this is not always the case.
I do not play WH40K, etc. I DO play RPGs. Finding the time for them is hard enough.

[Seb]

Thanks for all the replies guys, they are really helpful and it is good to hear your stories, reading Mrs. Me In Japan's reply was wonderful. It's good to hear the opinions of our better halves, since they are in the center here.

I think that this is a much more social hobby than for example PC gaming, and that is also one of the reasons why it attracts me, living 3 years in Japan now I actually haven't made any friends that share my other interests, if I didn't have my wife I would probably be mentally broken by now due to stress and lack of communication.

Anyway my wife really don't have the same values as me when it comes to hobbies, especially gaming. At first, a few weeks ago I kinda asked her feelings about it in a too subtle way it seems, so eventually yesterday we had a talk and settled it (I think ). Her understanding of why someone would spend their time playing games is close to zero, and has a hard time accepting and tolerating it. Eventually she said that I should do whatever I like, but if it is something that she has a hard time understanding, like gaming, she told me to never do it in the same space as she is in (could use that extra room now) and to never mention it to her when I am going to do something related to gaming, in simple words; she wants nothing to do with gaming.

I do think that this could be a phase though, something that she will get over and feel better about in the end. But until that time comes, I really want to respect her feelings and keep the hobby out of our common space as much as I can.

[Admiral-Badruck]

It's not the wife, it's the KIDS, the preschoolers. If you're having any problems now, just wait until you drop a couple of sprogs. From then on your time and money is all theirs. Of course some of you might have spouses from large and prosperous families, allowing you to keep just that little bit extra for yourself, but this is not always the case.
I do not play WH40K, etc. I DO play RPGs. Finding the time for them is hard enough.

Really my kids have helped me with gaming more that hurt it.. the kids time is gaming time my kids help me paint terrain and help me play test armies as well... I am not sure how much they will be in to it when they get older... I figure they might someday hate gaming if I force them to do it but right now it is like.. "If you do not get your home work done we wont have time to Air brush your new models." that usually gets the pencil moving... and they we paint some terrain and clean the air brush... Kids love to roll dice and I am guessing that they only get more into the game once they get a little older.

. but ... I guess RPGs would not be as kid friendly as Army men...

[Grim Ironjaw]

Excellent thread, Seb.

I've got a wife and two small children.

Issues
1) She has zero interest in gaming, and thinks it kind of silly.
2) She doesn't get much time to herself because she's nursing the little one, so she resents me getting a day out.
3) Everyone's been tired and cranky because the kids don't sleep.

My replies to her
1*) We each need things we enjoy. For her, those things are shopping and watching absolute rubbish TV programs. For me, it's gaming, sports, and music. And yes, those are much better than pachinko or car racing.
2*) We both need time to ourselves to do the things we want to do on occasion. I try to get her out with her friends while I watch the kids whenever possible.
3*) This is a war and we were losing it badly for months. Now the tide is beginning to turn and I think the household stress level has come back down to acceptable limits. This makes all negotiations go more smoothly.

Verdict
It's going to continue to be tough to find gaming time as long as she's nursing the baby, but I'm going to insist on at least one day a month for sanity's sake.

----------------------------

Several of you mentioned money. I'm in charge of budgeting and I make sure that we each get a monthly allowance. We get to spend that on whatever we want. No friction (usually).